I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize