Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
