There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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