Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
