You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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