Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Randomize
