so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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