God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
where does the pee come out of this thing
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
