finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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