Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize