i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
