I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Randomize
