Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just gargled with NyQuil
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
