oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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