someone threw a dead crab at me
I wanna passion pit in your ass
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
