I cannot find my penis.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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