I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
