"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
