I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
