Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
