we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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