we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
