I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Randomize