Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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