My girlfriend figured out who you are.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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