I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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