no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
