I showed him my bush... on skype.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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