What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize