I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
