a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
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