Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
