and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
