1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
