I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
party gras won. party gras always wins.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize