I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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