yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
