I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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