i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
