This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
