It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
