Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
