Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
