tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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