God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
