I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
