State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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