and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
