Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
