how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I checked into jail on foursquare
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
