Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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