wat bout pragnant strippers??
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
