My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
