i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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