At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
