Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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