Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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