the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
