i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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