Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
