Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
